Sunday, 3 March 2013

Driving Along In My Automobile....

It's been a short while since I posted....too busy...too much mayhem...no idea...just haven't found the time...

I have found the time to write a short song in honour of my driving students though....with a big nod to Chuck Berry........

"Driving along in my automobile....
A demented driving student at the wheel,
I say 'Go Left' and she goes right....
I'd get more sense of direction flying a kite"

"Driving along in my automobile....
I ask the student "How do you feel?"
They drive away on the wrong side of the road.....
We might end up in the lounge of someone's abode"

"Never mind, they might make us a cup of tea....
and anyway I needed to stop to take a pee....

"Driving along in my automobile...
A demented driving student at the wheel,
I say "Straight on at the roundabout".....
Now we're stuck in a bush and I start to shout"

"You're meant to go around the roundabout!!!...
They say "Will I pass my test?"...I have a severe doubt"

"Driving along in my automobile....
A demented driving student at the wheel,
They ask "When I take my test will it be hard?"
I think I'll buy them an Oyster Card"..........................(That's for public transport if you're not British)

"Driving along in my automobile....
A demented driving student at the wheel,
I'm being paid to put death on the roads....
When most of 'em drive like Mr Toad"

Let's drive safely out there eh?.....

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

The only sane person is me...now THAT IS a worry...

Being a self employed Driving Instructor I attempted to make my tax return on line for the first time in December.....'You require a UTR' said the form....uh?...I rang HMRC and they sent me one...a UTR is a 'Unique Tax Payer Reference'...fair enough.

I have been very busy since so thought, naively, it's January 29th I'd better do my tax.

'You require a PIN number' said the form.
A what???? A PIN???? Like I'm psychic???? Why didn't the UTR bloke say I needed a pin as well????

I rang them...."It will take 7 days to send you a PIN number"
Me : "Fine....I'm not paying £100 for being late when nobody said I needed the bloody thing"
Them : "You must talk to your tax office"
Me : "It took me twenty bloody minutes to talk to you with some silly bint giving me all this 'press 1' and stuff....then I was 'on hold' for eternity...can I deduct that from my tax bill?"
Them : "You must talk to your tax office"
Me : "How come the guy I spoke to over the UTR I hadn't received never mentioned I needed a PIN number too?
Them : "You must talk to your tax office....we can only give out one piece of information at a time for security reasons"

Clearly the question was too difficult. If you give me my UTR then clearly it's me so how come you don't say I need a PIN number too?


It's no bloody wonder self employed peeps try and dodge tax....apparently I get a discount for disability...how about requiring a psychiatrist 'cause you're driving me nuts?????

My pal Ryan is recently 'self employed' too...good luck mate! We're dealing with lunatics!!!

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Getting Personal


Bugger Driving Instructing for a post...

The wifey. She is a Microbiologist. Bugs and germs apparently.....a pal asked whether that was what originally attracted her to me....Possibly?....I'm a bug or a germ?...Well someone once suggested I was a virus....

35 years employed by The Hillingdon Hospital in Middlesex, England.

She got sick. In the head. Mental illness is a bitch. Pressure of work was the cause. Even the Hillingdon Hospital Occupational Health Consultant said as much.

"You were put under far too much pressure" he said.

Do the hospital want to know?


3 years ago my wife's laborotary was the only laboratory to be given 100% in a 'health audit'.

She was running her lab single handedly. A lab that had been run by two 'seniors' and an MLSO (Medical Labority Scientific Officer) in the past.

One 'Senior' left and they...the hospital...left my wife running the show on her own.

A hospital lab that required 2 Seniors and, on particulatrly busy days, an MLSO as well.

For about 4 years it was nobody but the wifey.

Eventually she flipped.

A sandwich short of a picnic....tuppence short of a shilling.....gaga....bats in the belfry....

...that's what they did to her.

I'm going to war.

I may physically attack people if that's the way it goes.

Nobody from God downwards does this to my wifey and gets away with it.

This is why my posts are, at best, irregular.

I've enough on my plate right now.

....and someone is going to pay..........

Drive safely eh?


I have a driving student called Emma....her mum wanted lessons too so....guess what?....I said 'Go for it!'

I had no idea what her name was so my Driving School added her to diary as 'Mummy'.

'Mummy' had her first lesson today and loooooooooved it......I'm good eh?...;-)

'Mummy' is now a new student. She swears like a trooper.

"Fuckin' 'ell Dinners!" and words to that effect........

And in the news today.....

Family to be charged £650 a year by council for keeping seven-year-old daughter's bedroom as a shrine after she died of cancer

Becky with mother Julie, while she was undergoing radiotherapy. Mrs Bell has been told the bedroom at their home in Hartlepool was now classed as a 'spare room' and that they must pay £56 a month from April
The parents of a young cancer victim have been told they will have to pay more than £650 a year to keep her untouched bedroom when charges for under-occupied homes come into force.

The ashes of seven-year-old Becky Bell have been kept in her bedroom, which has been left exactly as it was when she lost her battle with brain cancer in January 2012.
But Becky's parents, Julie and Mark, were told the room at their home in Hartlepool was now classed as a 'spare' and that they must pay £56 a month from April.
Mrs Bell, 41, said: 'It doesn't bear to think about them calling it a spare room, it's Becky's room.

'It's not her fault she's not here anymore and to us she is still here.
'We don't want to be different to anyone else and some people may think a year is a long time but when you have been through what we have been through it isn't and we are still grieving.
'But the Government don't see that, they don't look at individual circumstances, all they see is the pound signs.'

Under the changes, both social housing tenants in employment and those in receipt of housing benefit will be affected by the bedroom tax if they are found to be under-occupying their homes.

From April households under-occupancy will see their benefits slashed by around £13 a week for one bedroom or £22 for two bedrooms.

Mrs Bell, who is currently out of work, and Mr Bell, 37, a part-time taxi driver are Housing Hartlepool tenants and receive around £40 a week in housing benefits.
With the introduction of the bedroom tax they will need to pay £672 a year for Becky's room.

Welcome to the world........Welcome to humanity.
What a complete bunch of shits we are eh?
Well...Hartlepool Council clearly qualify as shits....do they not?

Sunday, 20 January 2013

Well....Hello There!

A belated Happy New Thingy to you all...

I am, as this blog would suggest, a Driving Instructor. Indeed, the purpose of this blog was to tell a few amusing tales regarding my life as a Driving Instructor. However.

Billy, who you will find hanging around in the comments, suggested a while back that I should expand a little...or words to that effect.....and I agree old bean.

From this day forth, whilst there will be many a tale of driving instructing, there will also be many a tale of me. My opinions....(oh dear)....my thoughts.....(eh?)....and my views on the world in general.

I've done this before....the opinions/thoughts/views thingy....and generally been considered somewhat controversial.

I once had a blog called 'DILLIGAF' that had so many followers and commenters that I shut it down. It was sort of like 'There are crazy people like me out there????' and it slightly worried me.

On Billy's recommendation I've decided, finally, to think WTF?

Ta Billy....he's my adopted Dad don't yer know?.....


Here goes.........

I had several calls today from driving students asking whether their lesson was still on as we have a bit of snow on the ground.

On each call I pointed out that learning to drive in the snow was a good thing as, if they didn't, they may find life behind the wheel a tad awkward when it snowed in the future.

They all concurred and had their lessons.

I suspect they didn't realise I would take them into quite roads and make them skid and slide around to teach them how to control said skids and slides.......The screams were EXCELLENT!!!!

"You're a psycho Dinners!!!" was the common refrain.

My students know me so well......
In the news today...

Call Me Al Qaida has apparently killed many 'westerners' and still may have some held hostage in Algiers....including up to 10 Britains.

All I can say to them is 'fuck off and die'.....that's Call Me Al not the hostages I hasten to add in the 'fuck of and die' context....Besides...If America can blow away old Bin Liner I'm sure our SAS can blow away a few ragheads in the Algerian desert....Come on chaps....fuck permission from the Algerian Government...go kick ass eh?
Lance 'drugged up to the eyeballs' Armstrong appeared on some fat black woman's show...Oprah?...and confessed to taking drugs to win things on a bicycle.....

Having ridden a bicycle I would respectfully suggest, as a man with all his bits, that you need drugs to stay on the saddle for more than 5 minutes....having purchased a bicycle I am fully aware what that hard bit known as the 'saddle' can do to your balls.....
Panic buying hit stores, including Tesco, as a Red Alert for snow led customers to clear shelves of food. Pony Club members are advised to padlock their stables....

(Horse meat in Tesco burgers anyone?.....or I am I getting too subtle already?)
Catherine Zeta Jones claims Prince Charles lingered too long on her breasts as he pinned on her CBE......

Police officers involved in the Jimmy Saville enquiry, having given up on Jim Davidson and Dave Lee Travis may arrest Prince Charles in a dawn raid any day now....

Let's drive carefully out there eh?

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Chelsea Dagger

A band called The Fratellis had a big hit with 'Chelsea Dagger' a couple of years back....I don't think they'd ever met my driving student called Chelsea.....but you never know eh?

Me : "Er...Chelsea?"

Chelsea : "Yeah?"

Me : "You see that pedestrian crossing coming up...the one with people on it?"

Chelsea : "Yeah"

Me : "Well...there's people on it...you don't think maybe you should slow down or maybe stop?"

Chelsea : "Why?"

Me : "Well...er...you might actually kill them?"

Chelsea : "So?"

Me : "Well ( I say 'well' a lot doing this sort of thing for a living ) wouldn't that be a bad thing?....For a start it would damage my car"

Chelsea : "They're muzzies mate...fuck 'em"

Me : "Now look sweetheart....I can't let you run anyone over...I'd get in trouble for one thing"

Chelsea : "Oh shit! Alright then...I'll wait until I've passed"

Chelsea passed first time - well deserved too....but I'm slightly worried....

...the population of my adopted home town may decrease in the New Year....

...well it might if they happen to be muslim and happen to be on a pedestrian crossing when Chelsea is going by.....

My influence on her as a driver was, I think, reasonably sound.

My influence on her as an Islamophobe was, at best, negligible.

I'm not saying I blame her exactly...I live here and do understand her anger....

...but come on babe....

only run 'em over if you genuinely can't avoid it....

...not on a crossing is cool?

...Besides...three of my best pals are muslim and two of them owe me a beer!!!!!!.....Spare them!!!!!


Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Lost In Translation

New Student : "I vill pass my test ya?"

Me : "Not driving like this you won't"

NS : "Vy?"

Me : "Well, for starters you nearly run over that lady back there on a pedestrian crossing"

NS : "She should 'ave vaited!"

Me : "No...you're supposed to see her heading for the crossing and slow down and stop"

NS : "Vy??"

Me : "So you don't squash her under the bloody car!"

NS : "Zen she should vait for me ya??"

Me : "No. You zee...I mean see... her heading for the crossing and, if she's clearly going to get there first you slow down and stop"

NS : "Vy??"

Me : "Vy??...er....Why??...So you don't flatten her you dipstick!!"

NS : "I iz not deepsteeck!!!"

Me : "You really aren't all there are you?"

NS : "Vat iz not zere?"

Me : "You! You're a sandwich short of a picnic!! Tuppence short of a shilling!!"

NS : "Vat eez zilling?"

Me : "Shilling!!!...Oh never mind...Just try not to kill anyone else eh?"

A former student recommended him...........

I rather liked the former student......until he did this to me!!!

Let's drive safely out there...........